I’m Asian and My White Mom Doesn’t Understand the Racism I Face

Dear Other Dad,

I live on the East coast with my white family but I am adopted from Asia. Having a conversation with my mom in particular about race has become increasingly more difficult and she doesn’t understand/believe me when I tell her something racist has happened to me because her definition of racism is not up to date.

I want her to understand how her views are not very understanding of my experience or that of other POC in the US but it is very hard to do that. It’s really important though because racism affects me personally. How do we talk about this without an argument starting?

Thank you so much,

— Serenity Rose

Your question comes a moment that must be tenser for you than ever, as Asians and Asian-Americans alike face increased racism and racist attacks. This could help facilitate a conversation with your mom, who might be more receptive because of all the news coverage; or, based on what you’ve described, it might have the opposite effect, if your mom decides that you haven’t faced racism because you haven’t experienced physical violence or outright slurs.

A lot of folks may feel that way, but it’s a particularly white point of view. Defaulting to “words will never hurt you” and arguing that you should “develop a thick skin” is pretty easy for someone who has never been on the receiving end of racism, which stings as much when it’s subtle as when it’s broad. People who feel that way may well not know about (or fully understand) microaggressions.

Microaggressions are the small-scale and sometimes seemingly innocent comments or questions that are directed at a person specifically because of how the speaker categorizes their identity. (For Asians that might include things like “Wow, you’re really bad at math for an Asian!” “You’re so exotic!” “Aren’t you supposed to be stoic?” “No, where are you really from?” and any version of “kung-fu,” “dragon lady,” and “me love you long time.”) Such remarks reflect that the speaker sees the subject as other and that this otherness comes with assumed roles, behaviors, or attributes. Depending on the context, this can feel like a minor annoyance or a real burden. On top of this, the recipient is expected to a good sport, playing along and answering any question posed to them.

People who are part of the majority culture often have trouble seeing the problem here. When one operates from a place of relative cultural safety, it’s easier to shake off the rare slight or ill-considered question and to expect that others must do the same. And it’s especially common for Americans to view the typical forms of anti-Asian racism as “not that bad.”

Your mom is having trouble seeing the view from the outside majority culture. People of any minority face these identity microaggressions far more often, which makes them feel less safe and can eventually wear them down. If your mom really doesn’t know about microaggressions, start there, but if she already has some familiarity with the subject (especially if she resists the term), your next task is to help her understand that the “micro” doesn’t actually equal “small” when it comes to impact.

Explain to her what the research says about microaggressions and how they can cause sleeplessness, depression, and more. Depending on your mom’s personality, it might help to approach this from the angle of you talking about your own recent education on the topic, encouraging her to see this as a shared learning experience, instead of as a lecture from you about her behavior (as much as you might want it to be just that).

Part of the issue, as you say, is that she’s defining racism by its bigger, more overt manifestations: physical violence, acts of intimidation, or institutional policies. If that’s the extent of her definition, then it will be harder to persuade her of the harm that comes from the attitudes of teachers, classmates, other white family members, or strangers.

Maybe it would be helpful to use a metaphor to explain how these “small” things add up. One of the best is the mosquito bite analogy, which shows how one person’s occasional pest can be a constant threat to another.

How Microaggressions are Like Mosquito Bites (Same Difference) by Fusion Comedy.

I also talk about it this way: a single papercut stings at the moment and then you get over it, but imagine the deepening wound if you received a thousand of those cuts in the same spot with no time to heal. With microaggressions, repetition turns a papercut into a stabbing.

Relate all of this back to you, being clear to her about the assumptions or biases you have faced (especially when she was not present) and how these experiences are living in your body. She might go into “fix it” mode: telling you that you’ll get over it or that you’re tough; suggesting how to ignore the comments; or offering you tips on what she’d say if she was in your shoes. Redirect her to the real goal of this conversation: you’re asking her to listen, not to solve. You’re asking for understanding and you don’t just want this — you need it if you’re going to remain healthy.

Unfortunately, there is no way to guarantee you won’t start an argument. (No advice in the world can offer that.) Repeat as often as needed: “I don’t want to argue with you, but you’re my mom, so it’s important, to be honest with you about my experience.” Consider, too, her personality: it may be better to have this conversation in waves instead of trying to get her to full agreement all at once.

It sounds like it’ll take some work. As is true for all of us in differing ways, your mom doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. It shouldn’t be your burden alone to teach her, even if it feels like it is. Is there anyone that you both know who has a good handle on this topic and who could join you in leading your mom on this journey? If so, make it a team effort. If not, only take on as much as you can handle.

In the meantime, lean on those in your life who find it easier to acknowledge the truth of your experience. Or consider seeking online affinity groups for other cross-racial adoptees who know just what you’re feeling.

Your mom clearly cares about you, so you’re not alone — but that will feel truer when you are not just loved but heard.

—

This post was previously published on The Shadow.

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